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Social Awareness
The basic tenet of etiquette is that of being courteous and thoughtful to those around you, no matter what the situation. The guidelines and tips in this section are intended to help you navigate successfully in our ever-changing social environment. Topics:
Writing Thank You Notes
Giving Credit and Appreciation
Telephone Courtesy
eMail Courtesy
Conversation
Shaking Hands
Welcoming People With Disabilities
Proper Usage and Handling of the U.S. Flag
Toasting: A Dying Art
Writing Thank You Notes It is always important to acknowledge the thoughtfulness or generosity of others, and the best way to accomplish this is with a handwritten thank you note. This holds true not only for you as an individual, but for any gifts or kindnesses your chapter may receive as well. A wide variety of pre-printed thank you cards are available, yet merely signing and mailing one leave a bit to be desired. A personal and sincere expression of thanks should be included in such a card. Or, for the perfect touch, write your note on a more formal card or folded note paper available at finer stationers. Be specific and descriptive in writing your note. Thank the giver for the "handsome tie," "elegant fountain pen," "generous donation" and so on. Mention how useful it will be, or perhaps how many compliments you've already received on it. That same level of descriptiveness is also especially appropriate for gestures of kindness. If someone has done something nice for you, thank them for the "heartfelt," "thoughtful," "touching," or "kind" act. After that, a sentence or two that's more personal is ideal. Thank them for coming to your party, for being supportive, or for showing you a great time. Your final sentence can simply repeat your general thanks, such as, "Again, thank you for your generosity/thoughtfulness/etc.," followed by a closing such as "Very truly yours," "With thanks," "In appreciation," or "With gratitude."
Your choice of wording in a thank you note should genuinely reflect your heartfelt appreciation for the gift or gesture. Crafting one is simple — just think of what you would like said to you if you were receiving the note. [ Back To Top ]
Giving Credit and Appreciation Taking credit for a group success is a sure way to sabotage valuable working relationships you've established in the process. Always pass along credit and compliments to each and every person who made a contribution to the effort. Speak well not only of your fraternity brothers, but also of others with whom you work on shared projects, either in academic endeavors or as part of another campus organization. By pointing out the important roles they played in the project, everyone will get the credit they deserved, which is only fitting. What's more, their perception of you as a valued team player will be enhanced. [ Back To Top ]
 Telephone Courtesy
Mobile phones allow us to stay in touch almost everywhere we go, but in the course of fraternity life there are a number of times when making or receiving calls is inappropriate. These include mealtime, chapter meetings, committee meetings, most social events, and — needless to say — during any portion of our ritual. Anyone needing to reach you during those times will most assuredly leave a voice message. When you receive voice messages, always return them on the same day if possible, but within 24 hours at most. Even if you don't have an answer to the caller's question, call and explain what you're doing to get the requested information and that you'll get back to them once you have the answer.
Make sure your voice messaging system is working properly and doesn't tell the caller your mailbox is full. Such a situation is counterproductive for all concerned — you'll have no up-to-date messages from those trying to reach you, and they will be inconvenienced and frustrated by the fact that your voice mail is blocked by old messages. Finally, when you're placing a call and someone other than the desired party answers, politely identify yourself and ask for the person with whom you'd like to speak. You never know who's on the other end of the line — a family member, a close friend, a fiancé — so it's important to treat them with the utmost courtesy. [ Back To Top ]
eMail Courtesy Always reply to eMail messages on the same day if possible, but within 24 hours at most. When replying to a question, copy only the question into your eMail, then provide your response — don't send a bare message that only says "yes" or "no." It's too blunt and may confuse the reader. Following standard writing guidelines when composing eMail is expected in the business world, so it's never too early to become accustomed to using proper spelling, capitalization and punctuation in your messages. [ Back To Top ]
Conversation Nowhere is effective one-on-one communication a more important skill than in the fraternity world — especially when recruiting new members. But no matter where you are or who you're talking to, you'll benefit from keeping these tips in mind:
Avoid discussing religion, politics or other controversial subjects (i.e., abortion, racism, sexism) unless you know the person extremely well.
Ethnic, religious, or other jokes which demean individuals or groups are inappropriate in every circumstance.
Refrain from asking women if they are married. However, if a woman volunteers this information you may ask a few polite questions about her husband and/or children.
Welcomed topics of conversation include academic or job-related matters, as well as personal interests such as sports, travel, dining, music, movies and books.
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Shaking Hands There's more to a handshake than meets the eye. In fact, many people will form an opinion you by the quality of your handshake. A good handshake consists of:
- Keeping your fingers together with the thumb up and open
- Sliding your hand into the other person's so that each person's web of skin
between thumb and forefingers touches the others'
- Squeezing firmly, but not too, for about three seconds
- "Pumping" once or twice from the elbow
- Releasing after the shake, even if the introduction continues
- Eye contact with the other person
Always extend a hand when:
- Meeting someone for the first time
- Greeting someone you haven't seen for a while
- Greeting your host(ess)
- Greeting guests
- Saying good-bye to people at a gathering
- Someone else extends a hand
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Welcoming People With Disabilities The following guidelines can make both you and your guests — whether disabled or not — more comfortable in any setting. The most important thing to remember in welcoming a person with disabilities is to treat them like you would anyone else present. And if you're uncertain of how proceed in a particular situation, don't be afraid to ask your guest — they'll appreciate it.
When introduced to a person with a disability, it is appropriate to offer to shake hands. People with limited hand use or who wear an artificial limb can usually shake hands.
Shaking hands with the left hand is acceptable. For those who cannot shake hands, touch the person lightly on the shoulder or arm to welcome and acknowledge their presence.
Treat adults in a manner befitting adults. Call a person by his or her first name only when extending that familiarity to all others present.
Offer assistance in a dignified manner, with sensitivity and respect. Be prepared to have the offer declined. Do not proceed to assist if your offer is declined. If the offer is accepted, listen to and accept instructions.
Know where accessible restrooms, drinking fountains and telephones are located. If such facilities are not available, be ready to offer alternatives, such as a private restroom, a glass of water or a cordless phone.
When addressing a person who uses a wheelchair, never lean on the person's wheelchair. The chair is part of the space that belongs to the person who uses it.
When talking with a person in a wheelchair for more than a few minutes, use a chair whenever possible to place yourself at the person's eye level.
Do not shout at a hearing impaired person. Shouting distorts sounds accepted through hearing aids. It also inhibits lip reading.
Do not shout at a person who is blind or visually impaired. He or she can hear you.
Allow a person with a visual impairment to take your arm (at or about the elbow.) This will enable you to guide rather than propel or lead the person.
Relax. Don't be embarrassed if you happen to use accepted common expressions such as "See you later" or "Got to be running along" that seem to relate to the person's disability.
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Proper Usage and Handling of the U.S. Flag Ever since the terrorist attacks on the United States in 2001 there has been a renewed interest in expressing our patriotism, and for many people that includes displaying the American flag. If you or your chapter fly the flag, please familiarize yourself with the customs outlined below. Displaying the Flag Outdoors
When the flag is displayed from a staff projecting from a window, balcony, or a building, the union (field of stars) should be at the peak of the staff unless the flag is at half staff.
When the flag is displayed over a street, it should be hung vertically, with the union to the north or east. If the flag is suspended over a sidewalk, the flag's union should be farthest from the building.
The flag should be raised briskly and lowered slowly and ceremoniously. Ordinarily it should be displayed only between sunrise and sunset. It should be illuminated if displayed at night.
The flag is saluted as it is hoisted and lowered. The salute is held until the flag is unsnapped from the halyard or through the last note of music, whichever is the longest.
Displaying the Flag Indoors
When on display, the flag is accorded the place of honor, always positioned to its own right. Place it to the right of the speaker or staging area or sanctuary. Other flags should be to the left.
The flag should be at the center and at the highest point of the group when a number of flags of states, localities, or societies are grouped for display.
When one flag is used with the flag of the United States of America and the staffs are crossed, the flag of the United States is placed on its own right with its staff in front of the other flag.
When displaying the flag against a wall, vertically or horizontally, the flag's union (stars) should be at the top, to the flag's own right, and to the observer's left.
Saluting the Flag
When the flag passes in a procession, or when it is hoisted or lowered, all should face the flag and salute.
To salute, all persons come to attention. Those in uniform give the appropriate formal salute. Citizens not in uniform salute by placing their right hand over the heart and men with head cover should remove it and hold it to left shoulder, hand over the heart. Members of organizations in formation salute upon command of the person in charge.
The Pledge of Allegiance & National Anthem
The pledge of allegiance should be rendered by standing at attention, facing the flag, and saluting.
When the national anthem is played or sung, citizens should stand at attention and salute at the first note and hold the salute through the last note.
The salute is directed to the flag, if displayed, otherwise to the music.
The Flag in Mourning
To place the flag at half staff, hoist it to the peak for an instant and lower it to a position half way between the top and bottom of the staff. The flag is to be raised again to the peak for a moment before it is lowered. On Memorial Day the flag is displayed at half staff until noon and at full staff from noon to sunset.
The flag is to be flown at half staff in mourning for designated, principal government leaders and upon presidential or gubernatorial order.
When used to cover a casket, the flag should be placed with the union at the head and over the left shoulder. It should not be lowered into the grave.
How NOT to Use the Flag The Flag Code, which formalizes and unifies the traditional ways in which we give respect to the flag, also contains specific instructions on how the flag is not to be used. They are:
The flag should never be dipped to any person or thing. It is flown upside down only as a distress signal.
The flag should not be used as a drapery, or for covering a speakers desk, draping a platform, or for any decoration in general. Bunting of blue, white and red stripes is available for these purposes. The blue stripe of the bunting should be on the top.
The flag should never be used for any advertising purpose. It should not be embroidered, printed or otherwise impressed on such articles as cushions, handkerchiefs, napkins, boxes, or anything intended to be discarded after temporary use.
The flag should not be used as part of a costume or athletic uniform, except that a flag patch may be used on the uniform of military personnel, fireman, policeman and members of patriotic organizations.
The flag should never have placed on it, or attached to it, any mark, insignia, letter, word, number, figure, or drawing of any kind.
The flag should never be used as a receptacle for receiving, holding, carrying, or delivering anything.
When the flag is lowered, no part of it should touch the ground or any other object; it should be received by waiting hands and arms. To store the flag it should be folded neatly and ceremoniously.
When a flag is so worn it is no longer fit to serve as a symbol of our country, it should be destroyed by burning in a dignified manner. (Note: Most American Legion Posts regularly conduct a dignified flag burning ceremony, often on Flag Day, June 14th. Contact your local American Legion Hall and inquire about the availability of this service.)
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Toasting: A Dying Art Mastering the ability to offer a toast can indeed turn even the simplest of occasions into a memorable event. Understanding the importance of toasting and including toasts in a program is essential for the well rounded gentleman.
The first rule is to be prepared. Remember, a good toast is actually a speech in miniature. It takes a great deal more effort to be succinct than long-winded, so hone what you'd like to say well in advance.
Exercise eloquence and wit, and keep in mind that a toast is not a roast. A good toast should be a gift, not an insult, so make sure it's appropriate, flattering and memorable.
The rule of KISS — Keep It Short & Simple — applies in spades to an effective toast. The simplest words are the most sincere, so just be yourself and remember that the best words and witticisms are your own.
Unless it is a small, informal group of eight or less, stand when offering a toast. Never rap on a glass to quiet the room; the result may be a shattered glass and embarrassment. By simply standing you should be able to command the necessary attention. Otherwise, raise your voice just enough to be heard and ask everyone to join in honoring the guest.
When delivering your toast, be sure to make eye contact primarily with the recipient and to end on a positive note. Lead your audience to a conclusion with a generally accepted gesture like "Raise your glass" or clinking.
While it is ideal to have saved some wine or champagne for the toast, it is perfectly acceptable to toast with a non-alcoholic beverage. However, superstition says that water is not suitable for a toast because it is bad luck, so don't be surprised if you see someone raise an empty glass instead.
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...Tackle Unwieldy or Unexpected Foods
 ...Minimize Garlic Breath
Eat fresh parsley, chew on a coffee bean, or eat a bowl of lime sherbet.
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...Extinguish Small Kitchen Fires
Never pour water on flaming fat or oil. If the fire's inside a pan, slap on the lid. If outside, turn off the heat and douse the flames by with baking soda or salt.
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 ...Grill Like A Pro
Purchase and use an instant-read thermometer to make absolutely certain that your grilled meats are cooked to the temperatures recommended for eliminating food-borne bacteria.
A coating of nonstick cooking spray will help food keep from sticking and keep your barbecue grill cleaner. Always spray on a cold grill away from open flame.
Vegetables sometimes come off the grill charred on the outside and raw in the middle. Try microwaving them first (three minutes at 100 percent power for sliced zucchini, eggplant, onions), then brush with olive oil, and grill until tender, turning once.
Don't use a water to douse small flare-ups while grilling. This creates an unappetizing ash-filled steam that transfers to your food. Instead, eliminate the oxygen that flare ups need to burn by simply closing your grill.
Save the loose skin on onions and garlic to toss into the fire just before grilling meats or vegetables. It imparts added flavor to whatever your cooking.
Thread shrimp onto skewers lengthwise so they won't curl as they grill. They're also less likely to fall into the fire.
Throw some peppers or onions on the grill to char while you wait for the coals to turn ashen. They'll go well with whatever you're serving.
To keep bamboo or wooden skewers from burning over an open flame, soak for several hours in water before using.
When cooking burgers, handle gently. Don't press them down with a spatula to speed cooking. This forces out juices and results in a less than succulent burger.
Keep steaks and chops from curling as they grill by slashing the outer layer of fat at one-inch intervals.
When grilling fish, measure it at the thickest point, then allow 10 minutes per inch. This method also works for broiling, frying, poaching and steaming.
When grilling a tapered piece of meat, fish, or poultry, place the skinny end away from the fire so the food will cook evenly.
After you've used a grill and while it's still hot, scrape off food bits with a metal-bristle brush before they char and harden.
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 ...Find a Quality Roommate
If you're considering sharing an apartment or a house, you're looking at getting involved in something that shouldn't be taken lightly. In the absence of rooming with a fraternity brother or someone else you know well, it's a good idea to ask any potential roommates the following questions to assess their compatibility:
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Have you ever had a roommate before? What, if anything bothered you about your past roommates?
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Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, other friend or family member who would be here frequently?
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Are you promiscuous?
(Don't shy away from this one. You probably don't want strange people sleeping over a lot, and if you explain that this is the reason you're asking, it will establish what you consider unacceptable ahead of time.)
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Do you smoke? Drink? Do drugs? If yes to any, how often?
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Do you stay out late on weekdays?
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Did/do you have any credit problems?
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Do you have any pets?
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What is your occupation/source of income?
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What do you like to watch on television?
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What music do you listen to?
Once you decide to move forward with a potential roommate, try to arrange it so that your roommate co-signs the lease. If your name is the only one on the lease, then you shoulder the entire financial burden for the apartment should your roommate lose a job or other source of income.
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 ...Take Good Candid Photos
The best picture you'll ever take is one in which no one says "cheese" and captures people interacting and having fun, unaware that the camera is on them.
Taking good candids requires not drawing attention to yourself. Circulate as unobtrusively as possible throughout a party or gathering, looking for people doing interesting things and wearing interesting expressions. The images you get will be far more interesting than if you posed people a thousand different ways. And be sure to take a lot of candids and take them from all angles.
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...Write an Effective Product Complaint
If your attempts to receive a refund for a product that is defective or otherwise unsatisfactory are unsuccessful, search the Internet for a customer relations name and address to which you can send a written complaint. Your letter should contain all of the following information:
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All of the descriptive information available to you, including the product name/model number/serial number of the product or service.
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The date and location of your purchase. If you have the salesperson's name, include that as well.
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The purchase price of the item and the amount of the refund you are requesting.
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An explanation of why you're requesting a refund.
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A detailed account of your first attempt to obtain a refund, including the name of the person you spoke to.
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A photocopy of the receipt. Retain the original for your files.
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Your complete contact information, including the address to which your refund check should be mailed.
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 ...Select the Correct Attire for a Formal Event
If you're special enough to someone to receive an invitation to a formal event, you want to make sure you show up impeccably dressed. Your cues for doing so should be indicated on the invitation by the following designations:
Black Tie Optional/Invited. This means that while it is appropriate to wear a tuxedo, there will be many men attending the event in suits and other semi-formal wear. For this type of event you can wear either a tux or a suit, but tails or other ultra-formal wear would be inappropriate.
Black Tie Preferred. Similar to Black Tie Optional, except that the host or hostess would prefer that gentlemen wear tuxedoes. So while no one will be offended if you wear a suit, you may be in the minority.
Black Tie. More formal tuxedos, including evening tails, are appropriate for this event. Novelty ties, vests and cummerbunds are best avoided when choosing a tuxedo for a Black Tie event.
White Tie. For this affair, you should plan on wearing only the most elegant and classic styles of formal attire, consisting of white tie and tails.
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...Prepare Your Car For a Trip
Every car, no matter what its age or mileage, needs a thorough going over before you hit the road. Here are some of the most basic areas to have checked. Many full service oil change locations can assist you with most of the items on this list.
Fluids. Motor oil, transmission oil, brake fluid, power steering fluid and engine coolant. Changing your oil and filter every 3,000 miles is one of the most beneficial services your car can receive. Other fluids also require your attention at somewhat less frequent intervals.
Brakes. To ensure they're in top working order, brakes should be inspected at least annually to check for corroded brake lines and cut, abraded or heavily weather-worn brake hoses.
Tires. Your tires should be properly inflated and have at least 1/8th of an inch of tread. Make sure your spare is in good shape as well.
Air Filter. Dust, dirt and other abrasive particles cause severe damage when permitted to enter an engine. Regular inspection and service of your air filter are critical for longer engine life, greater fuel economy, and better overall performance.
Belts and Hoses. Like most rubber parts on your car, belts and hoses are subject to the vagaries of high engine temperatures, oil and ozone - all of which deteriorate the rubber prematurely. Aside from the obvious inconvenience of an outright failure some rush-hour afternoon, a glazed or slipping belt can produce excessively high engine temperatures.
Windshield Wiper Blades. Driving during a storm is hazardous enough without the added danger of diminished visibility due to worn out or damaged wiper blades.
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...Get a Grip on Chopsticks
To break apart disposable chopsticks, pull the sticks away from you on a horizontal plane, so your palms end up facing away from you. Twisting them apart vertically can cause splintering, which might hamper your dining experience.
Pick up one chopstick as you would a pencil, in the middle of the chopstick, holding it between the base of your thumb and your index finger. Use your third and fourth fingers for support, leaving your index finger free. Place the second chopstick parallel to the first, holding it firmly between the thumb and index finger.
The first chopstick remains stationary, while the second one is used as a lever. Don't be embarrassed to ask for help, and if you are more comfortable using a fork, ask for one.
  
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...Handle Your Napkin
A large dinner napkin is placed on the lap folded in half. If it is a luncheon-sized napkin, open it all the way. If you leave the table during a meal (or when you do so at its conclusion), never put your napkin on the chair. Always place it, loosely folded, to either the right or left of your plate.
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...Deal with Trash at the Dinner Table
Sugar wrappers should be tucked under your saucer or next to your plate, lying flat. Leave butter wrappers or jelly containers on your butter plate.
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...Tackle Unwieldy or Unexpected Foods
Artichokes. Most of us are familiar with artichoke hearts, but if you've never been presented with an entire artichoke it may come as a bit of a surprise. Resembling large thistles, artichokes may be served stuffed or plain, usually with hot drawn lemon butter, hollandaise, mayonnaise or vinaigrette.
Tear a leaf from the cooked artichoke with your fingertips and pull it through your teeth to remove the edible pulp by holding the pointed tip and putting the fleshy wider end into your mouth. If your artichoke is accompanied by lemon butter or vinaigrette, dip the edible end and quickly bring it to your mouth. With a thicker sauce, handle the edible end like a corn chip. If the artichoke is stuffed, peel off a leaf and spread the stuffing onto it with a knife.
When you reach the thin inner leaves, discard them by holding the bottom of the artichoke steady on your plate with a fork and using your fingers to pull them off. Doing so reveals the artichoke's hairy center, which should also be discarded, and you are left with the vegetable's favored "heart." This can be cut into pieces and eaten plain, or dipped in whatever accompanies your artichoke. [ Top ]
 Asparagus. If asparagus spears are served already in a sauce, eat them with a fork and knife by cutting them into manageable pieces. If they are to be dipped in a sauce and are large, cut off the tips and eat them separately to avoid any dripping and dropping. You may pick up the stalks by hand, and then dip and eat the tougher part. Smaller asparagus spears can be entirely manageable by hand, in which case you can pick up the whole thing, dip, and eat. [ Top ]
Caviar. When caviar is being passed, serve a teaspoonful onto your plate. As the following accompaniments are passed, use the individual serving spoons to take small amounts of minced onion and sieved egg whites and yolks, as well as a few lemon slices and a couple of toast points. Assemble a canapé to your taste with a knife, then eat it with your fingers. At cocktail parties or receptions where prepared canapés are offered, simply lift one off the plate and pop it into your mouth. [ Top ]
 Cheese. As an hors d'oeuvre, cheese is spread or placed on the cracker, bread or crostini it is served with. When served with a salad, spread it on a cracker or a small bit of bread break a piece off on your plate with a fork to eat with lettuce. Soft cheeses such as Brie and Camembert are always spread with a salad knife or butter knife. Dessert cheeses served with whole pieces of fruit require a bit more dexterity. Quarter, core and/or pare the apples or ripe pears, then eat the cheese with a fork and the fruit with either a fork or your fingers. Alternate bites of fruit and cheese. [ Top ]
Pâté. Pâté may be served either before dinner or with the salad during a meal. If it is served to you with cocktails, spread it thickly on crackers or small pieces of toast, and eat with your hands. If it accompanies the salad course, it may be passed in a crock or in a ring mold. In that case, lift off a slice or serve a spoonful onto your plate along with a cracker or toast. Prepare a small open sandwich with a knife and eat it by hand. Cornichon pickles (small gherkins) are often served with pâté and should be eaten with a fork. [ Top ]
Oversized Shrimp. If oversized shrimp are served in a stemmed glass, pick them up with an oyster fork and bite off a mouthful at a time, dipping into the sauce before each bite. If large shrimp are served on a flat dinner plate, they can be cut with a knife and fork. Fried fantail shrimp can be lifted with your hands by the tail, dipped into a sauce and then eaten. However, leave the tail. [ Top ]
 Soup. Depending on the type of soup and the formality of the meal, one occasionally encounters soup served in a soup plate instead of the more commonplace bowl or cup. When a soup plate is used, always spoon away from the table's edge. When you reach the bottom, you can tilt the plate slightly away from you. When using a soup spoon, always sip from the side and never put the entire bowl of the spoon into your mouth. And, as is the case with all soups, consume it quietly. [ Top ]
Tossed Salad. Salad is traditionally eaten with a fork. However, oversize pieces should be cut for greater manageability. Historically, a steel knife stained black was used for salads and fruit, but stainless steel has changed the etiquette. A wedge of iceberg lettuce should always be eaten with a knife and fork. When the salad is served at the same time as your main course, don't transfer it onto your plate. If no salad plate is provided, put the salad on your butter plate, positioned to the left of your main plate. A piece of bread may be used against the fork to aid in pushing the salad onto it. [ Top ]
Game Fowl. Cut off the wings and legs of a Cornish Game Hen, quail, pigeon or squab, then eat the body of the bird or birds with a knife and fork. Never pick up the body, although you can lift the wings and legs to your mouth using your fingers. [ Top ]
 Half a Chicken. When confronted with half a chicken, separate the leg and wing at their joints with a knife and fork. Then, using your fork, steady the leg (or breast or wing). Slice pieces of meat into manageable amounts, cutting only two or three pieces at a time. If the situation is formal, leave whatever cannot be picked up with a knife and fork on your plate. If the situation is less formal, you may pick up small bones with your fingers but try to use one hand only. [ Top ]
Chops. Cut into the center, or "eye," of a veal, pork or lamb chop with a fork and sharp knife. If the chop is wearing a "panty" (a paper sleeve around the bone), you can use it to grip the chop without getting your fingers greasy as you cut away the meat near the bone. In formal or restaurant situations, never pick up a bone and gnaw at it, even if it's wearing a panty. At an informal gathering, feel free, but only if the bones are free of gravy. [ Top ]
 Whole Fish. First cut off the head and tail of the fish with a knife and fork, and move them to the side of the plate. Insert the tip of the knife against the backbone and slit the fish from head to tail. Now you can either slide the backbone out; open the fish flat and remove the backbone; or lift the top filet off, eat it and then remove the backbone. Any small bones in your mouth should be removed with your thumb and forefinger and placed unobtrusively on your plate. [ Top ]
Frogs' Legs. Frogs' legs are typically eaten with your fingers, although large ones can be disjointed with a knife and fork before they are picked up. [ Top ]
Bread. Handling bread gracefully is a reflection of a well-bred diner, but it's really quite simple: always remember to break slices of bread, rolls and muffins in half or in small pieces before eating and buttering them. Small biscuits do not have to be broken. Use your own butter knife and the butter on your plate; buttering should be done on the plate or just above it. Keep the butter knife slightly to the right, with the handle off the edge to keep it clean. You don't have to break bread sticks, which can be buttered on one side. [ Top ]
Finger Foods. When finger foods are offered from a platter, place them on your plate before putting them into your mouth. The following foods are meant to be eaten with the hands:
- Corn on the cob
- Spareribs
- Clams and oysters on the half shell
- Lobster
- Sandwiches
- Dry cakes and cookies
- Most fruits
- Crisp bacon
- Frogs' legs
- Chicken wings
- Shoestring potatoes or small French fries
- Radishes and celery
- Olives
When in doubt, follow your hosts' lead. [ Top ]
 Shellfish. For clams and oysters served raw on the half shell, begin by squeezing lemon juice (with one hand over the wedge or slice to prevent squirting) directly on the clam or oyster, not into the sauce. Steady the shell against the plate with your free hand and extract the clam or oyster with a small shellfish fork.
You may dip it into your own sauce container (in many formal situations, clams and oysters are served only with lemon) and then lift the meat whole into your mouth. Horseradish and cocktail sauce can also be dabbed onto the individual clam or oyster, which is then lifted to the mouth completely dressed.
Never cut a raw clam or oyster. And only in an informal setting should you drain the juice from the shell into your mouth; do so as unobtrusively as possible.
For steamed clams, lift both halves of the fully opened shell (if the shell doesn't open during cooking, don't eat what's inside). Separate each clam by pulling it out by its neck. Discard the neck sheath and, holding it by the neck, dip it first into a cup of broth and then into melted butter, and eat it in one bite, neck and all. Pile all the empty shells on a second plate. You may choose to drink the cup of broth. The procedure is essentially the same for steamed mussels, though you don't have to worry about a neck and neck sheath.
For mussels cooked in a soup-like sauce (moules marinières, for example), lift each shell and extract the mussel with a seafood fork; alternatively, you can eat it right from the half shell along with its juice. The extra broth can be sopped up with fork-speared bread or eaten with a spoon as a soup. [ Top ]
 Whole Crab. Break one crab leg from the body and crack it into sections with a nutcracker. Remove the meat with a seafood fork or a nutpick, then dip it into melted butter or a mayonnaise sauce.
With hard-shell crabs, first pull the legs from the body with your fingers and then suck out the meat as quietly as possible. The remainder of the body can then be turned on its back and the meat removed with a fork or pick.
Crab claws served as hors d'oeuvres are to be picked up by the shell with your fingers, dipped in sauce and sucked out.
Soft-shell crabs are meant to be eaten in their entirety, both crab and shell, with a knife and fork. [ Top ]
 Lobster. Using your hands, twist the lobster's big claws from its body. Use a nutcracker to open each claw, then remove the meat with a pick or lobster fork, dip it in sauce (melted butter for a hot broiled or boiled lobster, mayonnaise for a cold one) and enjoy.
Next, break the tail away from the body. If the tail has already been split, the meat can be easily removed. If it hasn't been split, just break off the little flaps and push through to get the meat out in one piece. Cut this meat with a knife and fork, dip and eat. In informal situations, the legs are then twisted off with your hands, and the meat is sucked out. Finally, the tomalley (green liver) of a male lobster can be eaten, as can the coral (roe/eggs) of the female. [ Top ]
 Escargot. Snails are usually served with a pair of snail tongs for gripping the hot shell so that you can extract the meat whole with a snail fork or oyster fork. If tongs aren't provided, grip the hot shell with the edge of your napkin.
When the shells have cooled a bit, you may lift them in your hand, tilt them into your mouth, and enjoy the garlic butter and juice. You may also spear a piece of bread with your fork to sop up the juice. [ Top ]
Condiments. Horseradish, mint jelly, currant jelly, mustard, apple butter and cranberry sauce are spooned onto your plate next to the meat or fowl. You incorporate them onto your fork with a bit of the meat or fowl.
Liquid sauces, such as mint, cherry sauce or apricot duck sauce, are to be poured judiciously right onto the meat. A small amount is preferable so as not to overwhelm the taste of the meat.
Jellies, jams and conserves for rolls and biscuits are to be spooned onto the side of your butter plate and spread on small pieces of the bread or roll with a knife.
For curried dishes, such condiments as peanuts, coconut and chutney can be spooned onto your plate and mixed in with the curry. Chutney may also be eaten unmixed, as an accompaniment. [ Top ]
 Relish Tray. When celery, olives, radishes and the like are passed to you on a tray, use the serving spoon to place a portion on your butter plate. If there is no butter plate, use your main dish. Never put the garnishes directly into your mouth. If you want to salt them, shake some salt onto the plate next to them and, using your fingers, dip and eat. Olives are taken whole into the mouth, and pits are removed into a tightly cupped fist and put on your butter plate.
Pickles are eaten with your fingers when they accompany a sandwich. When served with meat, they are eaten with a knife and fork.
Dill, parsley and watercress are eaten with a fork as part of the meal. They may also be eaten with fingers except when covered with salad dressing or sauce.
Thin lemon slices are decoration, while lemon wedges or halves are meant to be squeezed. Gently pierce the pulp of the larger pieces with a fork, and squeeze the segment over the food to be seasoned in one motion while cupping your hands around the lemon to avoid squirting your dining companions. If your lemon half is covered with cheesecloth, piercing the pulp and cupping your hands are unnecessary. [ Top ]
Gravies & Sauces. Gravy or sauce should be used sparingly and only on the dish for which it was intended. If you wish to soak up extra gravy put a small piece of bread into the sauce and retrieve it with your fork. [ Top ]
 Salt & Pepper. Add salt or pepper only after you taste the food. It is an insult to the cook to add either beforehand. If a salt cellar (a small open bowl of salt) is part of your place setting, use the spoon that's in it to transfer the salt to your butter plate or to the edge of your dinner plate. You may then dip your food into the salt on the edge of your plate before placing it in your mouth. [ Top ]
Fondue. For cheese fondue: Spear a piece of bread on a fondue fork and dip it into the pot of hot cheese. Coat it and remove it from the cheese, but hold it over the pot for a few seconds to drip and cool before eating. Try not to touch the fork with your lips or tongue, because it goes back in the pot.
For meat fondue: Plunge a speared piece of meat into the hot oil. When it's done to your requirements, the meat is removed to a plate and eaten with a regular fork while your next piece is cooking. Accompanying the meat fondue is usually a choice of sauces; ladle or spoon them on your dinner plate Then, with your knife, push some sauce onto the dinner fork you've used to spear the meat. [ Top ]
Avocado. An avocado served in its shell is eaten with a spoon, and may come with salad dressing in the cavity. If it is sliced on a plate or in a salad, eat it with a fork. [ Top ]
Berries & Cherries. Generally, berries are eaten with a spoon, whether they have cream on them or not. Large strawberries may be eaten whole, grasped by the stem or dipped in powdered sugar. Eat in a couple of bites and leave the stems on your plate. If the strawberries are served in cream, use a spoon, of course. Cherries are eaten by hand. Spit the pits discreetly into your tightly cupped hand and deposit them on your dessert plate. [ Top ]
 Fresh Figs. Often served as an appetizer with prosciutto (a fancy Italian ham), fresh figs are eaten skin and all with a knife and fork. If the little stem is still on the fig, cut it off. As a dessert, quartered and drenched in orange juice or cream, figs are eaten with a fork and spoon. When served plain, they are halved and eaten with a knife and fork. [ Top ]
Mango & Papaya. A whole mango should be sliced in half lengthwise (like a bagel) with a sharp fruit knife, then cut into quarters. Hold each piece down against your plate with a fork, skin-side up, and pull the skin away. The mango can then be cut up and eaten with a spoon. You may also be served one that has already been cut — halved, perhaps, with the stone removed but the skin intact. Eat this like an avocado, with a spoon. A papaya should also be handled like an avocado or a small melon that has been halved and had its seeds scooped out. It too is eaten with a spoon. [ Top ]
Melon. Whether it's honeydew, cantaloupe, casaba or Persian, if the skin is still attached it is eaten with a spoon. Only when it is skinned and served in wedges is a fork used. The skinned wedge, often accompanied by prosciutto, is eaten with a knife and fork. If melon balls are served, with or without syrup, use a dessert spoon. [ Top ]
Pastry. Usually, a fruit tart is eaten with a fork. But if you are offered one along with both a fork and a dessert spoon, secure the tart with the fork and cut with the spoon; then eat it with the spoon. Pie is eaten with a fork — unless it's served à la mode, in which case both a fork and spoon are used. If you are offered a creamy pastry, such as a napoleon or cream puff, it's advisable to use a fork rather than your hand, in order to keep the good stuff from oozing out of the other end. [ Top ]
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